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My beautiful son... I am learning so much about the Father heart of God because of this little person!
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So... all day I've been flitting in and out of my computer chair, clicking "new post"...and I sit there thinking for awhile, not really knowing what to write ...and so I flit off again...only to come back and repeat... multiple times!
As I sat staring at the blank text box yet again.... it hit me....
I just want intimacy.
And I'm subconsciously looking for it! I am subconsciously hoping I'll find it by writing out of my heart.... but there was nothing there in my heart to write about... because I was looking for something that won't be found in simply writing about myself. I need intimacy with my God, not my Blog or mere thoughts on paper!!
It's probably important to define intimacy at this point. By intimacy, I mean a closeness like no other, in sharing the deepest parts of myself with someone who loves me, and visa-versa....feeling that someone "knows" me...and yet loves me anyway. We all want to be fully
known, and fully
loved. The intimacy I was craving was the God type (which I believe is then reflected in marriage, followed by other relationships etc.)...
It's rather ridiculous really, the way in which I don't even consider coming to God in these moments. I can appear to be doing all the right "Christian' things as well, but never actually stop and remember that Jesus and I, we're together, right
here, right
now. Today for example, I did these nice
Christian things:
- I read a book called "I Love You God" to my baby boy... with all the good intentions of teaching him about loving God (laughable when I consider this blog post).
- I also read a Christian personal development book.... with great insights into how I can better align my finances with God's plans.
- I listened & sang to praise and worship music.
- I danced to Christian songs with my baby, singing the lyrics habitually (all the while he was giggling hysterically, it was very enjoyable!)
- I thought about how my husband and I have shown diligent obedience & faith in the last few days in giving our car away to a family in need, and how wonderful it felt to be in alignment with what God wanted us to do, even if it means being stuck at home for awhile until a miracle happens!
But amidst all of this Christian fluff, do you think that I once actually talked to God, like He was my saviour, right there with me? Do you think when that instinctual craving for intimacy came, that I associated it with a need for fellowship my saviour? I am ashamed to say, I did not.
Do you think I once considered Him as my refuge, confidante, friend? I barely thought about Him on a personal level. Sure, I did "Christian things"... but never actually considered the reality of God walking with me where I was. I big-picture thinking, forgetting that the big picture of my life is made up of little-picture days like this one... how
ignored and unseen
He must have felt :(
It grieves my heart when I reflect on a day like today. It was a
nice day, but when I realise how self-absorbed I was, it seems like it was a wasted day. it could have been so much more if I had walked with Him.
A missed opportunity to be with my Jesus. My comforter and friend. I wish I had of included Him.
Wherever you are today, please just stop for a minute. Close your eyes, and say hello to your Jesus. He's right with you. He's got all the answers, peace and comfort you need for today. Invite him into your world. Don't let the sun go down with the regrets of missed intimacy today. He wants to know you and love you!
We (God and I) are going to know and love each-other better from now on :)
That's the wonderful thing about Him... He always takes you back, even if you've been gone or absent minded for awhile....
And I'm coming back.........
*NOW*!
